


GameCo

by come_on_eileen



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Alcohol, Bad Decisions, Birthday, Cup of coffee, Drunkenness, Falling In Love, First Date, GameCo, M/M, Office AU, Office kitchen, Romantic Fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-08-26
Packaged: 2018-11-15 17:38:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11235942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/come_on_eileen/pseuds/come_on_eileen
Summary: Office au that takes place in game company where Simon is an engineer and Baz is his kinda evil producer. Simon loves manga and plays WoW at night and is in desperate need to prove to the whole world that he is a grown-up despite everything. And what is the better way rather than to start dating your horribly boring producer, whom you have absolutely nothing in common with.





	1. I don’t work here

**Simon**

“So, you found that psychotherapist _online_.” Penny says and takes a sip of a coffee from her office cup with a corporate logo of GameCo. We are spending our break in our office kitchen just like we always do, drinking shitty coffee from a coffee machine and gossiping around. Or as Penny says “Discussing our daily agenda.”

“On Craigslist.” I nod and take a sip myself. My cup says _“I don’t work here”_ and it pretty much sums up my corporate ethic.

“And now you are worried because he told you, that you need to grow up.” Penny raises her eyebrow.

“Yes, and he told me a lot of other horrible things. Like that I don't have a dream, and that I avoid any responsibility and that I have nothing _bigger_ than me.”

“And you believed him.”

“Yes.” I say helplessly and look down. “Penny, it’s all true and I literally spent half of my working day thinking about this shit over and over again.” Not to mention that I cried for half an hour in a public toilet, because when someone tells you that you don't have a dream and you know deep down that it's _true_ , there is no other option left but to have a big fat fucking breakdown.

“Oh great, you spent half of your working day stressing over the shit that some dude from Craigslist has told you, while our deadlines are going to hell and Baz is terrorizing everyone since early this morning.”

“Penny, you know we will fail this sprint. And even if we don't _he_ won't ever be happy anyway.”

Baz is our producer. The evil one. Also, he is the aim of our most hilarious jokes and theories. Mainly about how many white shirts he owns exactly. Penny says that he has one for each day of the week, but I disagree, I think that it’s the same shirt that he just keeps wearing over and over again.

As I finish speaking, Penny makes round eyes and points with them to a kitchen entrance. _Oh, great, here he is._ I barely turn my head, just to see that Baz walks in.

He gives us a suspicious look, like he is not completely sure if we are even allowed to be in here in the middle of a working day. I bet he is counting in his head how many cents our ten minutes break will cost the company in general and our project in particular. _Yes, he is that type._

“Snow, Bunce.” He nods dryly and while his tea is preparing, he sits at the table across from us, nose deeply in his phone. Me and Penny share the look. Baz never sits on the same table as us, even though we are his team. I don't know, maybe he is hoping that _not_ sharing a table with us will bring him closer to sit at the top management table. Or maybe it's just the way he is. Arrogant and distant and perfectly above everybody else.

“How is your task going on?” Baz suddenly acknowledges our existence with the most annoying question the producer could ever ask. Since he is not even bothered to look up I roll my eyes at Penny. She rolls hers right back at me. God, we are so good at that.

“Are you planning to finish it today?” Baz repeats with his voice completely dry and emotionless. I give him a killing stare, which once again passes by, unnoticed since he still is not looking up.

“We are working on it.” Penny says, because she has enough self-control to answer his stupid questions. Though, whilst saying this, she points her index finger to her temple, then pulls an imaginary trigger, while using her other hand to show that her brain explodes all over the kitchen. In turn, I put my index finger into my mouth and pull a trigger as well. Penny chuckles silently then nods to the exit. “Let's go.” She whispers, because she knows as well as I do, that if Baz is here the fun part is over anyway.

Unfortunately, I stand up too quickly and my chair makes a dreadful sound. _Fuck_. Baz quickly looks up and for a moment our eyes meet. He startles and blinks awkwardly and then almost immediately looks down. It’s stupid, but I have this feeling that I do sometimes have, when I catch him staring at me that way. It’s like someone opens a window, and the wind blows in and suddenly your papers are all over the floor. That kind.

Like that there is something between us and maybe, just maybe he is _checking me out_. After all he _is_ the other openly gay guy in our office. But then I just annoyingly shake it off because still, it doesn't change the fact that we are like a completely different species, me, a computer geek in my old Vans, oversized hoodie and ripped jeans and Baz, in his awful black and white clerk’s outfits and probably with a half-paid credit on his new shiny BMW.

I give Baz another careful look, but he is deep down in his phone again and I can't see his face anymore. But well, what is there to see anyway. As a few terribly slow seconds pass one after another, I remind myself that he is just my horribly boring producer, who I definitely have nothing in common with. Penny is already waiting for me by the doorway, but as I walk towards the exit, I definitely feel Baz’s stare over my back.

***

The task that Baz was asking us about was a particularly boring one. Like almost anything on this project, to be honest. Some might think that working in a big game company is full of fun and adventure, but mostly it's just routine and precise work, especially if you are a software engineer like me and Penny. Right now, we were not even working on the game itself, just on a web-site with some boring ratings and numbers and calculations.

No wonder that I end up googling “getting over your shrink diagnosis” and thinking over and over how I can prove to this Craigslist guy that he is wrong and I _am_ a grown up.

Well, first of all I am 28 years old. And I do _have_ a steady career, a particularly boring one, but still. I sigh. Maybe I should buy a house or a car or something.

I guess the decent grownup relationship might be an answer, but I suck at that department completely. My last boyfriend Augustus, wasn't really a good example of something steady and long term. To be honest it wasn't even a relationship, more like series of one night stands, when one of us was usually drunk. _But oh my god_ , the sex was awesome though _._ And, holy fuck, Augustus was hot. With his long blond hair, driving his motorbike _and_ playing in his band. The only problem was, that he cared about almost anything in the world more than he cared about me. No wonder we broke up at the first opportunity. Especially when this opportunity came as a cute groupie guy willing to give him a blowjob after the concert. Well, fuck him anyway.

I need something that is the opposite of that. Something steady and boring and long term. _Something_ _grownup_. The word boring, weirdly makes me think of my producer. I take a look across the room, towards where Baz is sitting. The office’s open space is almost dark, except for the table lamps of a few people, who like me prefer to come to work later and sit extra hours at the evening. Baz is still working and his face looks even more pale and tense than usual under the half-shadow of a table lamp.

I wonder why he is still here. A guy like him should have a loving boyfriend _and_ a dog waiting for him at home. I try to imagine what his possible partner might look like and all I do come up with is that he probably wears a lot of cardigans and has the same dry smile that Baz has. And his name is Robert. And they live happily ever after and _God I hate that guy._

The only thing is, there is no Robert. I know for sure that Baz is single. Why else would he spent all this extra hours at work. So, no cardigan guy by his side. And probably no dog either.

Why am I even considering Baz in _that_ way? I guess he is a little bit cute, in that grey area where you can find your weird co-worker even remotely interesting. He has this shoulder length dark hair, which he sometimes pulls back with his hand in a careless way. _Yes, I have noticed that._ And he wears glasses sometimes which definitely switches my thoughts in the wrong direction, because apparently, I do have a thing for guys in glasses.

But that's it, because otherwise, he is just ridiculous with all of his office suits and white shirts and shoes, here is the middle of a game company, where almost everyone is wearing hoodies and trainers. Not to mention that he has a _postman bag._

On the other hand, this must be what a grown up looks like, right? I bet he already has a pretty house in the suburbs bookmarked and a dream to buy it as soon as possible. I shiver inside. That is so far from the dreams that I have. Though it doesn’t matter because mister ‘Craigslist therapist’ can go and choke on his diagnosis and I will go and date a guy like that. _Why am I even thinking about that. Stop._

I look at Baz once again and see how he rubs his eyes. He looks tired. Why does he work so bloody much? That's just ridiculous, our project is such a bloody mess anyway.

 _Come on, ask him out._ That is a terrible idea and Penny would probably kill me, but she isn't here. She went home earlier to have some happy family time with her hot husband Mica and I can't exactly blame her for that.

And the only thing that is waiting for me at home are my WoW guild mates and couple of beers in my fridge. No wonder I am not in such a hurry to get there. I look at Baz one more time. Does he even go on dates? I mean, I am not even quite sure that he has a fucking soul.

What the hell. I still have a few hours before my WoW raid. I have nothing to lose and I am definitely in the mood to see Baz getting awkward. In a worst case scenario, it will be something funny to laugh at with Penny tomorrow morning.

 

**Baz**

I startle when I look up and see Snow standing in front of my desk. I blink a few times, trying to spell an image of the Golden Boy away and force myself to stare back at my screen. The report I am working on is fucking killing me. We are behind all deadlines and I have to explain to the top management why we should move the release date. _Again._

I am so not in the mood to deal with Simon fucking Snow right now. Especially not after the kitchen episode, the one that almost set my skin on fire. Because apparently, I _am_ that stupid, as I’m still hoping for _something_. Instead I remind myself that he is definitely the part of a problem also called “Why our project is failing so miserably”. I sigh. If only I could make these damn engineers work just a little bit once in a while. Or if I had the skill to write a computer code on my own. Maybe _then_ our fucking release won’t be pushed forward for a third time in a row.

If he came here just to tell me that he needs a few more days to work on a task that he has already spent three times more time than we originally planned, _I will fucking kill him._

“Snow, what do you want?” I ask in a sharp voice. The voice that I somehow manage to use when he is around.

“I -” he looks nervous and swallows awkwardly. _God, he’s going to ask me about extra days for sure._ “Do you wanna go out? For a drink. With me.” He says and at first, I don’t get it. Then I freeze, eyes glued to my screen. A hot wave goes through my spine. I finally look up, just to realize what a mortal mistake it is, because he is looking at me and he is smiling and it’s like fucking sunshine suddenly falling all over me.

God, it’s not that I haven’t seen him smile before. He fucking smiles at everyone all the time. Well, everyone except _me_. Usually, he doesn’t even talk to me in a normal way. It’s just “Fuck you, you are my producer” way.

And I am ok with that. At least I used to be. Because it used to make my life with a crush on Simon Snow so much easier.

I still remember my first day at GameCo. The whole office was a line of blurry faces, but his was an exception. I hopelessly fell for his pale blue eyes and a gorgeous wave of his dirty blond hair. There was only one problem. Simon fucking Snow was so out of my league. Completely. And hopelessly.

Eventually, I started to notice him on the floor, casually passing by, at the kitchen, laughing with his co-workers, in the elevator, leaning over the wall. And never ever noticing me. In few months, we were assigned on the same project and things became only worse. Snow shifted almost immediately from a not noticing me phase, to a phase where he hated my guts for being his annoying producer.

And it’s not only that he was handsome, he was one of those _cool kids_. Always a little bit messed up, like he probably wakes up in the morning and just puts on some random clothes and barely brushes his hair and then he is out to office just like that. And I have to yell at him, because he is fucking late again and he looks at me with his sleepy eyes, sometimes with dark circles underneath, and I wonder did he even sleep last night. I hate worrying about him. Especially since when he looks up, there is nothing behind his eyes, because in the perfect, colourful, adventures world where Snow apparently lives, such guys like me don’t even exist.

One thing more. I know that he has a boyfriend. A few weeks before I saw him hopping on the back of the motorcycle with some gorgeous blond guy who looked exactly as cool as all of his boyfriends must look like. Did they break up? It doesn't matter anyway, because I know the type of guys that he supposed to be dating. And I know that I am definitely not one of them.

As I said before, it was _hopeless_.

“Sorry, what?” I ask stupidly with my dry throat.

“I mean, it’s quite late for work, isn’t it? Do you wanna grab a drink?” Snow gives me another killer smile. “Stop working so bloody much.” I flush and stare back at my report. It still _has_ to be finished. It just has to be.

“I know a bar nearby.” I say before I can make myself shut up. Before I have a chance to remind myself who I am, who he is. Not only my co-worker, but my bloody _hot_ co-worker, so hot that it must be some kind of a joke or a trick or whatever. _And_ of course, I don’t know any fucking bar nearby, it was a complete lie.

“Great, I will just grab my backpack and wait for you near the elevator.” Snow nods, like this whole thing is not a big deal. _And it probably isn't._

“Ok.” I nod in reply. _Just be cool. Turn off your computer and just go there._ _And google some decent bar nearby for Christ sake._ _And please just this one time try not to fuck everything up._

Snow starts walking away, but then he stops halfway and turns to me. “Hey Baz,” he hesitates for a moment, “I was just wondering, do you have a dog by any chance? Or...”

“No.” I interrupt too afraid to hear what might come next. Like what if he would actually ask me if I have a boyfriend. Or would understand that I never had one. Not anyone that matters anyway. Not anyone with messy blond hair and killer blue eyes. _Shut up. He probably asked you out just to make his boyfriend jealous._

“I guess I never had a chance to get one. Maybe one day.” I say quickly, just to make him stay beside my desk a little bit longer. _Yeah, one day you will have a dog. And a boyfriend. And it would be Simon Snow. Sure, in your dreams, Baz._

A shadow crawls over his face, but he forces it away with a fake smile. “That's what I thought. Never mind.” He says and my heart drops. Does he really understand how desperate I am? Is it that obvious?

“And what about you?” I ask trying to read something behind his eyes. _Do you have a dog? Do you have a boyfriend?_ _Do you even date guys like me?_

“What about me?”

“I mean, do _you_ like dogs?” I squeeze out finally. _Sucker._ The question sounds too weird hanging in a dry air of the dark, half empty office. He won’t even understand what I mean. Or would he?

Snow freezes for a moment, looking somewhere behind my back. “That's a problem.” He says finally and there is a shadow on his face once again. “I don't really know.”


	2. The First Date

**Simon**

So, I was right, he doesn't have a boyfriend. And he did agree to go out with me. By the time Baz walks out of our office door I am already starting to regret the whole thing. How much time will it take for him to figure out that I suck in the relationship department? It took one night for Augustus to figure me out. And a few nights more to further prove his point. Well, at least I know one thing I am good for. Except for the part when I was apparently not good enough, even for that.

 _Ok, just be your miserable self and he will never go out with you again._ I try to avoid Baz’s questioning stare, as if he thinks that _I_ know how to handle this weird situation. Instead I stare aside, catching a glimpse of his postman bag. I take sharp breath in, trying to embrace the fact that I am going on a date with a man who has _that thing_ and a classic suit on. Alcohol, I remind myself, I can always drink _alcohol_.

“So, where exactly are we going?” I hope Baz won’t drag me to some fancy joint where the only thing you can do is sip an expensive wine with some unpronounceable name. Because really, what other kind of place might he know.

He startles. “Just– Sorry, I have to check something out.” Baz pulls out his phone, trying to hide his embarrassment. _Don’t tell me that he has to check his working email right fucking now, because I bet that is exactly what he is doing._

“Take your time.” I shrug. I don't care. If this is that kind of a date, when we are both allowed to hang nose deep in our phones, I don't really mind. As long as I can do the same. I quickly check my WoW group chat. There is this raid planned for tonight, that I definitely can’t miss. Because my asshole teammates will kill me for sure or _worse_ they will just kick me out of our guild and then, yeah, my life will finally reach its holy forever emptiness.

An elevator arrives and we step in simultaneously. Baz bumps his shoulder awkwardly against mine and then blushes. _Well, that is kind of adorable. Why do I even pay attention to that?_ He stands a little bit behind me like it’s any other of our elevator trips, like we are not going on a fucking date together. Which makes me wonder how often have we had the same kind of ride before. When I haven’t even noticed what he looks like, what he wears or even the fact that he is a little bit taller than me. Which is annoying, but also makes me curious if it would make kissing feel any different. And then I make my mind shut up because _really_.

“Found it!” Baz shouts finally and looks up. Then he blushes a bit more. “I mean I found how to get to a bar I was telling you about.”

“Ok.” I shrug once again bringing myself to stare back at my phone.

 _“Postman bag yes or no?”_ I text Penny, because I need some distraction.

 _“Don’t tell me you’re stuck in an elevator with Baz again.”_ She texts back almost immediately and I smile. _Stuck and going on a date_ , I think to myself, but since I don't wanna be killed by Penny through the mobile phone, I decide to keep that information to myself as for now. _Yes_ , she has that power.

We get to the first floor and I walk out from an elevator. This time deliberately avoiding bumping into Baz. Or maybe it's him avoiding bumping into me. I can probably ask him what kind of music he is into. Or what he likes. And I would if it was somebody else. But I doubt he cares about music that much. At least, I’ve never seen him wearing any earphones. I doubt if he cares about anything at all, except for his stupid job and his fucking posh car. Which are two topics I have zero interest in whatsoever.

“I can give us a ride in my car.” He almost reads my mind and I suddenly feel irritated. _Dude, chill out, we all know about your fucking BMW._

“Thanks, but I’ll pass.” I hear my voice that sounds too angry. “We are going for a drink. Which means alcohol. Which means no car.”

“Ok.” Baz agrees in a soft voice and I immediately feel ashamed for my behaviour. I really should be nicer to him. It’s not his fault that he is, well, _him_.

Ok, let’s try from the other angle. He does work at the games industry, right?

“Do you play any computer games?” I try to ask as friendly as I can.

“Sorry, no.” Baz says. “I came here from the book publishing business.” He adds as if he is trying to justify himself. _Oh, ok._

“Never mind.” I shrug. “I will call us a cab then.” Which gives me a perfect excuse to stare back at my phone again, while Baz stays silently near me on a windy parking lot. It’s so painfully obvious that we have absolutely nothing to say to each other and I wonder why did he even agree to go out with me. I am obviously not his type. I am not a _cardigan_ guy. And I never will be. I don't have fancy clothes, a fancy apartment or a fancy car. I don't care about the things that Baz obviously cares about, like his job and being successful and owning things. In other words, _I am a mess._ All I have are my computer games and my manga obsession, and none of them count towards something a grown-up should even care about.

So maybe my psychotherapist was right and I need to change something. But it definitely wasn't why I went to him in the first place. The sad truth was that I felt kind of empty since Augustus left me, even though I knew that our relationship was mainly a relationship in my head and not in reality. The worst part was that deep down, I was ready to forgive Augustus his one night stand with the other guy, if only he was willing to come back to me; which of course he wasn’t. And this is what I hoped to talk about, instead, we ended up discussing the lack of grownup responsibility in my life, and thank you very much, it’s not something you wanna hear, when you just came over to talk about your fucking breakup and the fact that you miss your boyfriend, even if he really never was one.

 _You will hurt everyone around you._ That what my shrink said. I give Baz a quick look, but he is so silent and awkward that I immediately look back at my phone. Well, this evening will be _fun_. _Simon Snow and his phone, making terrible dates bearable since forever._

**Baz**

We walk inside and I give the place a quick look. _Fuck_ . It's a sports bar. I can’t believe that I dragged Snow to a fucking sports bar for a first date. _Idiot_ . Apparently, I suck at searching bars while being on intensive rides in elevator cabins with my crush. While having Snow stuck by my side in two by two meters closed space. While being so pumped up about it that I couldn't concentrate on fucking _anything_.

Snow hangs near the entrance, hands deep in his pockets, giving the place a suspicious look “Are you into sports?” He asks finally with surprise.

It's too late to back up now. “Well, kind of.” I say picking up a table as far from the TV with a football broadcasting as possible. “And you?”

“I am.” Snow nods and grins at me. “Mostly Quidditch.”

I frown. “Is that a pop-culture reference?”

“Kind of.” Snow just shrugs (he shrugs a lot). “So, who is playing?” He asks without any interest whatsoever and pulls out his phone once again.

“Manchester against … _somebody._ ” I desperately try to read the screen, blaming myself for leaving my glasses at the office. But Snow just nods, not even bothered to look up.

“Oh, great.” He says and then snorts from something that he sees on his phone’s screen.   

I look around trying to not concentrate on the fact that I am sitting at the same table with Simon Snow. Alone. And I am desperately out of words _again_. Except for a brief exchange about my sport preferences earlier we haven't said a lot to each other. That is how entertaining I am. If he stands up and walks away right now, I won't even blame him. At least the bar is half empty and not exactly the place some of our co-workers will ever choose to hang out. Which means that Snow won’t freak out about running into somebody. _Because who would be thrilled to be seen with me._

Once again, I try to come up with something witty to say. “Well, our project sucks lately, doesn't it?” _No, not that._ I see that Snow visibly shudder, then frowns, then puts his phone down.

“Please, let’s not talk about work.” He says narrowing his eyes _. As if pretending that there is something else between us, except our project, is an option._

Fortunately, a waiter comes to our table, saving my ass. Snow looks at him with a visible relief. “Hi, my name is Ben. I will be your waiter tonight.” I give Ben a hateful look. _I bet Snow would rather spend the evening with this guy than with me._ I wish I was smart enough to pick up bar with uglier service.

Of course, Snow gives him a smile. At least Snow flirting with everybody else besides me is something I am used to. “Ben, bring us two shots and two beers. And please bring it _quick_.” He says and as Ben goes away, I try to remember anything, just anything that I know about Snow that can keep our conversation going.

“Do you like manga?” I ask remembering the pile of manga books that usually lay on his table. Snow looks at me with surprise.

“I do actually. How did you know that?” _Because I am stalking your desk daily._ “Do you like it too?”

I wish I could say “Yes”. I bet even Ben loves manga. “Not really.”

“Yeah, I know, it's stupid to read manga.” Snow mumbles. “I am too old for that. You just read one and then you hate yourself, and then you end up re-reading it and you hate yourself even more. As I said, it's stupid.” He sighs.

“It’s not stupid. It’s kind of cool actually.” I say, wishing I could squeeze his hand right now or let him know any other way that actually anything he might do seems cool to me.

His face lights up. “Really? If you want I can lend you some.”

“Thanks.” I nod and flush a little bit. “It would be nice.”

“So, what sports do you like?” Snow asks in the careful voice and I almost say _None_ before remembering my white lie.

“Anything.” I clear my throat. “Football, tennis, basketball-” I get stuck in the middle trying to remember what other sports there might be. “You name it.” _Smooth Baz, really smooth._

“So, you're into sports and I am into manga and WoW. Great.” Snow rolls his eyes in his slightly annoying manner and I almost turn around to see if maybe Bunce is somewhere near.

“WoW like in World of Warcraft?” I frown trying to remember what this game is about. _Some multiplayer online role game._ “Do people still play that?” I say before I can make myself shut up.

“Do people still watch sports?” Snow snaps back, but then just shrugs obviously losing interest on the topic, pulling his phone back.

Ben comes with our drinks and Snow immediately gives him a smile once again. A hot one. A sun shining all over this shitty bar one. And while I die inside, he just casually drinks his shot with one sharp move.

“Wow.” Ben says at that and gives me a look from tip to toes. Bet, he is thinking how could I even pick up someone as handsome as Snow. I wonder that myself. “Another one?” He says with a wink.

“Yes, please.” Snow nods enthusiastically, already starting his beer. I give him a worried look. _He probably needs something to eat with that._

“Can we have some fries please?” I say and Ben nods before walking away.

“You know, I have this bet with Penny about you.” Snow’s face is a bit flushed after alcohol. “We bet on how long you will wear the same white shirt to the office. And as far as know I am winning. Because I said _forever_.”

I feel my whole face going on fire. “It's not the _same one_.” I protest furiously, but at least Simon is laughing. And he is not looking at his phone anymore.

“Prove it. Wear something else. This will win me twenty for sure.”

“Only if we are splitting the profit.”

“Oh, now we are talking.” Snow grins and continues drinking his beer, while I helplessly look at my shot. “You know, you have to drink it eventually.” He pushes my drink closer in my direction, but when I reach for it he pulls the glass away.

“Change of plans. Let's play a game. I will ask you a question. You will drink and then you should answer it as fast as you can. Don’t think too much.”

I nod. Snow considers a question for a while. “You are a long-term relationship kind of guy, aren't you?” He puts a drink back in front of me and shoots me a quick look. I look at him startled, but Snow just points with his eyes at my drink. I quickly take a shot and while the hot wave goes over my stomach I start to panic. _What kind of question is that._ And then. _Am I that obvious._ And then. _Yes, I would like that. With you._

“Yes.” I say, trying not to look down.

“That's what I thought.” He takes his beer and makes a few large gulps. _Fuck._ What if I shouldn't say that. Who admits such stupid things nowadays.

Ben saves my ass once again, bringing Snow’s second shot and fries.

“Wait.” I pull his drink away. “It's my turn. I ask, you drink.”

“Oh.” Snow looks at me with surprise. “Ok.”

It's not really hard to come up with a question, as I’ve had one on the tip of my tongue this whole evening. “Did you ask me out tonight just to get back at your boyfriend?” I say and push him his drink back. Snow grabs it and once again drinks it in one quick move.

“If you mean the guy, who cheated on me with the first cute mouth he could get on his dick, then no. We are not together anymore.” _Wow._ I look at his sad face and that very moment I wanna kill his ex. I wanna kill everyone who ever hurt him. “I asked you out because you are cute.” He adds quickly, but I just raise my eyebrow. I know for a fact that it's a lie. I might be cute enough to get a drunk one night stand from time to time, but definitely not as cute as one of Snow’s boyfriends should be. Not as cute as his ex. Who turned out to be a cheating bastard and _I hate him_ , but anyway.

“Eat this.” I push him the fries. “You are obviously drunk if you think that way.” Snow doesn’t pay attention to is food, instead he just finishes his beer. After he puts the empty glass down, I see that he is all messed up. His face looks sad and without looking at me he just reaches for his phone. Again. _Oh, no._

What an idiot I was, thinking that this evening might turn out to be a fucking Cinderella story. Because here I am still pathetic and desperate not even able to keep up a conversation. No wonder that Snow stares at his phone all the time. It's hopeless, unless …

Unless it’s about sex. Snow obviously misses his ex and even if it's not about getting back at him, as he said, it might be about getting even. I take a sharp breath in. Can I turn this evening around if I ask him over? Is it possible that he will be interested in me at least in _that_ way? I tense my grip around my beer glass. If it's about a one night stand, I can totally do it. It doesn't matter that I wanted Snow since forever. Because that’s what normal people do. _They go to a bar and they fuck._

The uncomfortable tension crawls over my spine. I imaging inviting Snow over. I imagine Snow in my apartment, in my bed. I imagine touching him, kissing him. And then I imaging a different kind of universe where I am actually good at _that_ , where I have at least one chance compared to all of his perfect exes.

“Snow.” I say with a dry mouth. “Do you wanna come over?”

The question hangs in the air and I almost can see with every passing minute of silence how it becomes more and more transparent. Till it’s almost invisible and I consider how exactly embarrassing it would be to repeat my invitation once again.

“Sorry.” Snow says quickly, not looking at me. “I have a WoW raid tonight.”

It feels it like a kick in my guts. _What the fuck._ What does that even mean? Is this even a thing that people use as an excuse nowadays?

“Speaking of that. I really should be going.” Avoiding my eyes, Snow reaches for his pocket and pulls out a twenty, leaving in under his empty beer glass. “See you at the office tomorrow.” He quickly stands up and almost runs to the exit. Except that half-way he turns just to wave his hand to the waiter and give him one last smile. And then he is gone.

I stare at my almost full beer glass, hearing only my heart pounding. “Great game tonight, huh?” Ben comes over and points at the TV screen. God, he is cute. I wish I could be brave enough to talk to him or to ask for his number, but what the point anyway, he is _not_ Snow.

“I hate sports.” I say almost kicking the table. “And I _do_ know what quidditch is.”

“Man, relax. Everybody knows what quidditch is.” Ben grabs empty glasses “It’s from fucking Harry Potter.”

 _Exactly_. I stay at the table just a little bit more, finishing my beer, trying to watch TV, but mostly giving Snow a time to call up a taxi and get the fuck away from here. Because I really don’t wanna to bump into him on the way out. Or in the office tomorrow. Or ever.

An hour later, I turn on the light in my empty apartment and stare at the wall in front of me. _It’s a_ _good thing that he ran away_ , I remind myself. At least I haven't had a chance to embarrass myself completely. Bet I would be too anxious to touch or kiss him properly anyway.

As I take off my jacket and my shirt, the one that Snow apparently hates so much, I look around and try to imagine my apartment the way he might see it, if my stupid plan to drag him to my place for some kind of an intimate intercourse would work out. He definitely would see the same things that he usually sees when he looks at me. Nothing interesting, just boring empty walls and flat clean surfaces. Yet, I can’t stop wondering if he ever would sit on my couch, or drink my coffee or talk to me the way that he talks to people he actually cares about.

I wonder what his place does look like, bet it’s something awesome. Rainbows and happiness all over the place. _Stop it. You will never see it. Just get used to the thought that it was your first and last time together._

I wish I wouldn't have face him tomorrow though. Should I just pretend that the whole evening never happened? Because he obviously would. It’s not like this night changed anything. Except for the part when I invited him over and he said _no_. Oh God, _I would have to quit._ At least in that case I won't have to finish this fucking report. Speaking about a funny night ahead.

I look at my watch, it’s almost midnight. With a sigh, I open my laptop and make myself stare at the document. I work for a few hours until I am too exhausted to think about Snow, to think about anything. I put my head down on my arms and fall asleep in the most pathetic way ever, right on the table near my opened laptop, with the report that of course I haven’t even managed to finish.


	3. The Numpties T-shirt

**Simon**

Penny catches me in the office kitchen next morning, while I am trying to sneak in silently, because yeah, I am late again. “So, you ended up in the elevator with Baz last night. Tell me _everything_.” For a moment, I freak out because I think that Penny somehow knows about my date with him. That everybody _knows_. Which can’t be true. _Relax_ . It’s probably just her usual morning Baz jokes. “Did he corner you and start yelling that you should finish all your tasks? Did he use his fake French accent?” She continues and I sigh with relief. _Oh, that joke._

“Huh.” I say automatically. Baz used to talk annoyingly much about his years in France during some posh studying program that he took. We caught up by inventing the fake French accent joke. Which basically came about as Baz uses it wherever he feels angry or out of place. I _swear_ , it’s true.

“Nothing that special happened, he mostly just stared at his phone.” I decided to stuck with the sad truth, immediately remembering how awkward the whole thing was.

“Typical Baz.” Penny says. “He probably was composing one of his emails, where he intensely kisses some of top management asses.”

I frown at Penny, because today, all those jokes about Baz suddenly aren’t that funny. None of them. Maybe because all I still can see is his hurt face when I left last night.

“By the way you look terrible. Did you manage to sleep last night?” Penny scans me with a sharp look.

“Yeah.” I say, totally not mentioning that I went to bed at five am and slept for three hours. “Just a WoW raid, you know.”

“Simon.” Penny says and gives me _the look_.

“I know. Sorry.” I sigh and pull a hand through my hair, truly wishing I had a chance to wash it this morning. “Is Baz here already?”

“You know he _always_ is. I bet he never even leaves the building and sleeps on the couch in a game room.” I frown again, mostly because the couch in the game room is really uncomfortable and I don't wanna Baz ever sleep there, and partly thinking that maybe if things went differently last night, I would know exactly where and how Baz sleeps. _Oh, shut up._

“Are you feeling better today?” Penny pulls my sleeve. “I really hate this psychotherapist and all the things that he told you.”

“Yeah, thanks. I kinda hate him too.”

“Just take it easy, ok? You don’t have to prove anything. You are sweet and caring and I love you and you are my best friend.” I shrug. I love Penny too, and of course she is smarter than any fake craigslist psychotherapist, but she obviously tells me all these things, just to cheer me up. Everything is still shitty and terrible, and I am still the worst irresponsible person ever, and the only way for me to get through my issues is to get a stable boyfriend. I need someone boring and predictable and with whom I have absolutely nothing in common.

Which means, I still _need_ Baz.

“I will fix it.” I say clenching my teeth, but Penny just squeezes my hand.

“Simon, you don’t have to fix anything. Didn’t you hear what I say? There is nothing wrong with you. Except that you probably need to work on you googling skills, I mean, you should find a real specialist to go to this time.”

_Oh, I should ask Baz out one more time._ And this time try really hard to make it work. No fucking staring into my mobile phone or flirting with waiters. I swallow, remembering my behaviour from yesterday. I am the worst. At least I haven’t accepted Baz’s invitation to come over. Maybe Augustus was right and I am good only for one thing, but at last I haven't fucked everything up just yet. I mean, _literally_ . The one thing I know is that the right grownup kind of relationship never ever starts with a one night stand, not even if you are easy and you are well, _me_.

“Come on, we will be late for our morning stand-up meeting.” Penny says and I groan. Stand-ups are the worst, basically they mean standing in front of Baz and potentially confessing that I didn’t do anything once again. God, if I wanna have him as my boyfriend, I should probably _work more_.

We approach Baz’s desk and I try to give him a smile. It worked last time, yeah? But Baz just dryly nods and makes a gesture for Penny to start. As the stand-up begins and everyone says their basic list of tasks for today, I stare at Baz. He is wearing the same white shirt and a grey jacket, definitely despite everything I told him yesterday. But I don’t mind actually, the jacket looks great on him, highlighting his grey eyes and it’s for the first time that I am continuously aware of what colour they are. _God_. And then there are these dark circles under them. Is it my imagination or does he look tired? Is he ok? I mean, I could at least text him last night. I could have sent him a photo of a puppy or something. I could have told him good night. Guess what I did instead? I took a beer from the fridge and played WoW all night long.

“Snow.” I shudder when he calls my name in his usual cold voice. “Your turn.”

“Um, I am continuing my task about cooldown calculations and I promise, I will finish it this time.” I try to give Baz another reassuring smile, but he is already looking in the other direction.

I go to my desk and, even though I have this urge to check Tumblr first, I make myself open my code editor instead. _Don’t yarn, don’t fucking yarn._ I might not know a lot about Baz, but one thing I know for sure, he takes a great deal in this meaningless job. Which is ridiculous. But whatever. Working harder to make your grumpy producer and possibly grumpy future boyfriend like you more, is as good as any other motivation. I concentrate on my task and finish everything before lunch and immediately use it as an excuse to go to Baz’s desk.

“What.” Baz says without looking up.

“I made it! My task is done.” I say with triumphant smile, which fades when I see Baz’s ironic expression.

“You mean that task that you were supposed to finish three day ago? Yeah, Snow, _bravo_! But next time instead of crossing the whole room to brag about that, maybe you should just change the status on the tracking board?” I flush, but probably I deserve it. I deserve it much harder.

“Sorry.” I hesitate for a few moments checking out his desk. It’s tidy and clean. Not like mine. I awkwardly pull out some manga that I brought with me and push it closer to Baz. “Here. These are my favourite.” It's funny to see how Baz’s face breaks in surprise. He looks at the manga, then looks at me. Maybe it's his grey eyes and the fact that I am finally noticing them, maybe it's his general painfully unguarded expression, but I feel something twisting inside of me. Did he really think that I will forget _that easily_?

  
Once again, I feel that wall crumbling between us. I hope Baz feels it too. I hope it’s the right time. I take a deep breath in. “I was wondering maybe you wanna go out to a concert with me tonight?” I ask and Baz looks visibly startled. Then he looks around as if he is concerned if anybody actually heard what I’ve just said, before placing his eyes back on me.

“Thank you. For that.” Baz points at the manga issues. “As for your kind invitation about tonight, I am afraid I will have to say no. You see, I have a lot of work to do.” He stares back at his screen and his polite voice really freaks me out. Moreover, I’m almost sure that I’ve heard a fake French accent, which means that Baz must be very, very, out of place.

I go to my desk feeling disappointed in myself, which is weird, because who cares that Baz didn't accept my invitation, I was planning going to the concert alone anyway. Except that I definitely _do_ feel disappointed.

Our corporate messenger blinks and I see a message. _“Omg you finally finished your task! Are you seriously working today? WHY.”_ It’s Penny. I send her back the eye roll icon, because, yes, we do it online also, but mostly because it's funny to hear such things from her. Penny is the worst workaholic ever, and even though she often likes to joke that she hates her job, I know for a fact that she doesn’t. Maybe that's why she is our team leader, and honestly, if she did the tasks that I do, she would manage them in no time.

Weirdly, I end up working for the rest of the day and the next task goes easier than I thought. In other words, I am killing it and close to six p.m. it's done. This time I don’t go to Baz’s desk, just change the working ticket status to “Resolved” on our tracking board. I am about to take another ticket in progress, when I see a blinking message.

“ _When is this concert exactly? Maybe I can make it._ ” I carefully look from my computer screen in the opposite corner where Baz sits, but he ignores me. I look back at my screen, the message is still there. _Wow_. If I knew before that working hard can bring you places, I would have killed this project months ago.

“ _8 p.m._ ” I type back. Think for a few moments. Add unicorn emoji. Think a few moments more. Delete it. “ _I’ll wait for you same place as yesterday._ ” Send.

***

Later that night I hang near the merch store with Nico, the lead singer of one of the bands that are headlining tonight. Nico looks very rockabilly with his leather jacket and sixties hairstyle.

“Nobody buys this shit.” He complains pointing to the t-shirts with the band name, hanging in the corner. The word “Numpties” is printed in a most basic black type over a white fabric and a t-shirt really looks epically terrible.

“Please tell me that you made them so awful, ironically.” I smirk at Nico. Yes, his band Numpties is great, but his merch belongs in a garbage bin.

“Please tell me that you date that guy ironically. I mean, _really_?” Nico points with his beer cup at the edge of the crowd, where Baz stands and the smile goes off my face. He looks lost standing all by himself, too strange looking in his office outfit compared to all rock kids around him. “You came with him, right? Is he like your boss or something?” Nico smirks.

“He is not my boss.”

“Then why have you brought him here? Don't tell me that you actually like him. You are not even hanging out with him.” Nico is damn right, and I feel guilty. Why have I dragged him here, indeed? It's hard to imagine some place where Baz could fit less. God, he is so awkward looking, holding his beer bottle and not even drinking from it. I clench my fist in my pocket.

“He is my-” I choke on the word before it leaves my mouth. “He is my boyfriend.” I say and it _does_ sound exactly as strange as I thought. Especially if the first person to hear it immediately bursts into laughter. I give Nico a frown and I think it does work because his laughter transforms to a smirk.

“Huh, really, then how about buying him a nice present?” Nico point to one of the “Numpties” t-shirt and I twitch inside. “Come on, you can buy it ironically. Ironic t-shirt for ironic boyfriend.”

“He is not ironic- Argh, never-mind, just give me one.”

A moment later, I bump through the crowd to the place where Baz stands. The reason why I left him to talk to Nico was obvious. It was just too awkward staying beside him, not even knowing what to say. God knows, I _tried_. I bought him a beer, I found us a perfect spot not very near, not very far from the stage. But it all was wrong. I know, if I was here with someone else I would be already dancing and screaming, but with Baz, well, I just couldn't relax.

“How are you?!” I shout into his ear, but it's a stupid question, considering how tense he is. Baz just shrugs in reply and gives me a week smile.

“I bought you a present!” I shout into his ear once again, pushing a t-shirt to his hands. Baz examines it, and I have the slightest suspicion that he would throw it in a garbage immediately. But instead he looks up and there is a smile on his face. A real one. Like I bought him something special and not a stupid ugly t-shirt.

“Thank you.” He leans closer to me and I can smell his expensive perfume mixed with something else. Something pleasant and that gives my heart a pump and how on earth can somebody smell so nice being in a sweaty rock concert. That's just impossible.

The smile looks so good on him, that it almost breaks my heart apart. _Simon, you were such a fool._ The hot wave of embarrassment goes over me _._ I dragged him up here, left him alone for the most part of the night and then bought him the stupidest present. And now he behaves like it's the best fucking thing that ever happened in his life. Looking so happy to receive even that kind of attention. _From me._ I clench my fists in my pockets. I can do so much better for him. I can _be_ so much better.

“Give me that.” I throw Baz's present into my backpack and toss it into the corner. He frowns, but I just put both of my hands on Baz’s shoulders. “Do you trust me?” I say to his ear and as Baz nods, I feel how he slightly shivers under my touch. I carefully slide his probably over expensive jacket off, leaving him in his white shirt, which is still formal, but at least looks a little bit more relaxed. “That's better.” I give him a look of approval, which he teasingly returns with a raised eyebrow. “Really, Snow.” But I can see that he doesn’t mind.

“Come on.” I take his hand and pull Baz through a crowd closer to the scene. I feel how he squeezes my hand back and when I look at him he looks so fucking cute. Not distant, not cold just excited and happy.

My favourite song begins and hits me and I start to jump up just like I always do. I grab Baz from behind trying to make him jump up with me. First his body stiffens under my touch, but gradually he relaxes and starts to move in the same way as I do. When the song ends, I pull him closer transforming my touch to a hug, while Baz throws his hands in the air and shouts out. It's so unreal. Suddenly, I am damn aware that I feel Baz's abs under my hands and that I can't resist of casually sliding my hands over them. _Stop._

I let him go, stepping aside, but I still keep staring at him. I grin at Baz, trying to catch my breath and see how he grins back. His breath a little bit hard, but lighter than mine.

“I didn’t know that you were such a shitty dancer.” He snaps. “But I like it.” Another smile to die for and apparently, I stare at him like crazy, when he unbuttons his shirt a little bit, because he blushes and I just can't stand it anymore.

“God, you _are_ cute.” I breath into his ear, but before he has a chance to snap something back, a new song starts to play and we continue to dance along and scream at each other. I feel that general excitement, which always hits me at the concerts, but it not only that. It's the way his body feels next to mine, when I hug him in the end of each song and how he apparently likes it, because he never pushes me away and with every song he seems more and more into it. And there is this one time when he squeezes my hand in the middle and keeps on holding it for a long-lasting moment and this little thing is so hot, that I feel an echo of his touch long after he lets me go.

When the concert ends, I am almost dead and pounding and fucking proud of myself. Because Baz is smiling and shouting in the air and breathes the same hard way as I am. I pull him out of the crowd, using it as an excuse to hold his hand once again and a warm air brushes over my skin. I feel so hyped and happy, that I almost don't believe the real world outside of our evening still exists.

“Thank you for bringing me here. It was fun.” Baz gives me his easy smile, the one that I am so not used to, but the one that apparently exists and makes my heart melt in million weird ways.

Maybe it’s the music, maybe it’s the dance, maybe the way how he felt next to me. “You haven't even seen the best part yet.” I shove him towards the wall, pressing my body over his, like the concert is still on and I am still allowed to touch him that way. Finally, I can see his grey eyes so close, that it's almost impossible to see anything else. He takes a sharp breath in and I pull his hands up over the wall bringing myself even closer to him. Baz responds almost immediately pressing back with his whole body. Like he was waiting for me. Like he was waiting for it. _Oh my God._ This is so unexpectedly great that I almost lose my shit right there, only staying aware of my heart pounding somewhere in my ears, going lower and lower as the moment lasts.

“Oh, _fuck_.” I breath out being perfectly aware that there are only few inches separating my face from his. I didn't know that it would feel this way. So good, so hot. Fuck, I didn't know _anything_.

He leans closer and I hold my breath in anticipation, but he just brings his mouth closer to my ear. “Oh, fuck, what?” His voice sounds teasingly and I grab his hands tighter.

“You.” I push him harder towards the wall, because I am so not ready to let him go. To let him start asking questions. All I think about, is his breath over my neck. And his mouth. And how I want to kiss him right here, right now. I let his hands go, because I need both of mine to press his shoulders over the wall. To see his face in front of mine. His big warm eyes. And then there's this way he looks at me. Like no one ever did before.

Like he thinks that I am someone _great_.

And this thought suddenly tears me apart, because great is one thing that I am absolutely not.

I am fake and if only Baz knew he would never look at me that way again. Because he deserves someone real. Not an ironic boyfriend, who uses him to prove something to the whole world. But someone sweet and sincere, who can never break his heart, and who can be his friend, his partner, his _family_. Everything that I can never be, because if you take fake out of me there will be nothing left.

I take him go and take a few steps back. “Probably not the best idea to do it right here.” I say just not to be quiet. “I mean somebody might see.” Baz flushes.

“Yes, of course.” He pulls a hand through his hair awkwardly looking around. “I get it.”

_You don't get shit._ I think to myself, because judging by Baz’s unguarded expression, he obviously considers that I am ashamed of being seen with him. When the only thing I am ashamed of is of myself.

Baz clears his throat. “Should we bring it back to my place?” He says and I look at him in disbelief. He invites me over for a second time. And I am so jealous of his honesty and of how brave he is _and_ of someone who's boyfriend he might be one day.

“Not today, sorry.” I almost see how his face breaks. Oh, God, I can't stand that _again_.

“Maybe you can come over tomorrow? To my place?” I almost choke at my words, but they go from my mouth all by themselves. Yes, Simon go play along with him.

As if you even consider your relationship for real. As if you are not only thinking about dragging him to your bed as soon as possible after this magical evening. As if there is even a hope for you to be a decent person.

“Should I bring something over? We can make dinner together.” He probably sees how my face tightens. “Or not.” He adds quickly.

“I will just order us something.” I say feeling how I erase the trails of hope right from his face. Which becomes pale and distant and dull once again. And I hate it, but much, much, more I hate myself.

 


	4. The Sex Date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, sorry if Simon seems so awful! I promise he is not! And I am planning to have more Mordelia in the future. Do you like her? I hope you do. Thank you for reading my fic and for commenting and for all kudos. You bring joy to my life everyday!

**Baz**

I hate weekends. Weekends are the worst. Usually, I make up a list just to get through. Gym, some grocery shopping, lunch, laundry, cleaning and practicing the violin. But too often it’s not enough, the list is over and I still have a long evening ahead of me. An evening where I squeeze some work in, drink a glass of wine and go to bed. Alone. And then there is Sunday at my parents house.

The whole fucking family dinner.

With my stepmom's endless questions about my romantic adventures (or more like the lack of them) and my father's sarcastic comments on almost every aspect of my grownup life. _Lovely._

Weekends are the worst. But this Saturday is just particularly awful. I am still not sure if Snow really asked me to come over or if it was some kind of a misunderstanding. There still was a possibility that he was telling it to somebody else behind my back. To some _other_ guy he just shoved all over the wall. And almost kissed. How many more other guys _are there_ for Snow?

At least he texted me his address this morning, which probably means he still _remembers_. Or that I am just a part of some group message chat. _Ok, brain, shut up._

Even if it’s a fake I can still use his invitation to skip my family Sunday dinner. I choose to give my younger sister Mordelia a call, because it’s definitely less stressful to talk to her than any of my parents.

“Please tell Mother that I can't make it tomorrow.” I say. And then.

“No, I am not going on a date _finally_.” Except that I totally am.

“Ok, fine. It's not a big deal anyway.” It is.

“No, you don't know him. _No,_ you are not meeting him soon. You are not meeting him ever.” Pause. “Yes, he is a respectable young man with high prospect.” (Lies again).

“No, you can't tell Mother about him! Ok, I can hear that you are telling her right now. No I don't wanna talk to her. Bye.” I hang up right before the phone is passed to my stepmother and sigh with relief. I am so not ready to talk about Snow with my family.

Have I almost admitted that he is my boyfriend?

Technically it might be considered as our third date. If this awkward thing that we have might be called dating. Which I doubt.

I know that he almost kissed me last time, at least, I had this feeling that he almost did, but of course, he couldn't make himself to do it in the end. _Probably wasn't drunk enough._ I shut my eyes painfully, remembering how close he was. How for a moment I almost believed that he saw the real me and not somebody else. And then, of course, real me was so disgusting, that he immediately jumped off. And looked down, before looking around. Before remembering that there were all of his friends there. And that he is still embarrassed even being seen close with me.

But now, if we are alone he might try to go for it again. I heard that a third date means sex. Is it why he invited me over? To have sex with me? I shiver. Is Snow still into the idea to use me to get even with his ex?

I take a deep breath in.

It's not like Snow’s invitation isn't the best thing that could ever happen to me. Not as if I wasn't dreaming about it all this time.

Of course, I wanna hang out around him long enough to see how he frowns to himself or puts hand through his hair. (No, I don't have enough of that in the office). But to be alone in his apartment is a totally different thing. Not in million years would it be a scenario where I turn out to be great and satisfying. And not just a pity substitute for someone else.

Though being a substitute is ok, as long as I could see his place and stay close and maybe make him eat some decent food and not play his computer games all day long. Which I don't mind. At all. You can't expect a person to give up things just to hang around you. Because they never will. That's not how people’s relationships work.

I wonder what people wear to a sex date though. Not a damn thing in my wardrobe screams something like “I know I am just a substitute for your ex, but I don't mind, let's fuck anyway.” My phone rings and it's my sister once again. “Yes, I am still here. Sorry I hung up on you. _No_ , I won't wear the black shirt you gave me last time.” I frown. “Tell Mother that I don’t owe her anything _now_ and that there is no way I am bringing my boyfriend with me next time.” I hang up and mentally punch myself. That’s it, I just called Snow _my boyfriend_. I am pathetic. I look helplessly at my open wardrobe. And of course I wear the black shirt anyway.

***

A few hours later, a stand behind Snow’s apartment door, squeezing a bottle of wine in my hands. I had this particular bottle in my closet forever, since it was too expensive to drink on my own. Or maybe I was just waiting for an opportunity. For a perfect moment.

I know that this particular moment, where I stand sweating, not even sure, if Snow really meant that he would like to see me, isn't exactly perfect. But I kinda panicked and grabbed the bottle based on a stupid instinct that if somewhere in the world there is a person, who I would like to share it with, it's Simon Snow. It's definitely him, no matter if he would like to see me or not.

Finally, I press the doorbell, feeling as my heart beats with every passing moment, as if the wild sex will start just the moment that Snow will open the door. Instead, when the door finally opens, I see Snow standing behind it in an oversized blue hoodie, with a stain somewhere in the middle. I sigh with relief. It definitely doesn't look like “fuck me all night through” outfit. On the contrary this homey look on Snow makes me wanna squeeze him immediately and pretend that we are together long enough not to care about appearance and looks. _I wish_. Probably Snow just doesn't care at all, that's much more like it.

“Sorry. I was gaming and lost a track of time a little bit.” He blinks a few times and I almost die inside. Because he is still so hot. Even in an old hoodie. Even with that stain. And I am still me, and no over expensive black shirt could ever make it different.

“Come in.” He moves inside and I silently follow him to the only room of his tiny apartment. I nervously look around. Luckily there is no bed inside. Only a couch. An old one. With a lot of garbage on it, like snacks packages and empty cans and some tossed cloth. To be honest, the whole place doesn't exactly look as magical as I was expecting. But it's homey and there is Snow’s laptop with a game in the middle of a couch.

I raise my eyebrow. “You weren’t exactly expecting me, weren’t you?” Snow blushes.

“Just give me five, ok?” He moves a pile of clothes away, freeing me some space on a chair near a couch. I nod. _I don't mind just hanging around._

“Here.” Snow turns on the telly. “Look! There is some football on! Can you watch it a little bit till I finish my game?” _Oh, fuck, not a football again._

“Sure.” I squeeze out, staring hopelessly at the tv screen. “That's my favorite team playing.” _Yes, keep on lying._

“Sorry, I forgot to order us any food.” Snow apologizes once again. “But look, I still got some chips left.” He throws at me a terrifyingly huge half empty pack of chips and before I even have a chance to say ‘no, thank you’ he puts the headphones on and goes back to his game.

I try to make an impression that I follow the football just a little bit, but it's not necessary, since Snow doesn't notice anything around him anyway, and it's much more fun to stare at him instead. He sits on the floor, notebook on his lap, headphones on, playing a game and screaming at his headphones every five seconds. At least I know that he is near me and that he is ok. It's almost a definition of how I wanna spend my every evening, except that I would like to have a book to read, instead of a fucking football game to watch. And maybe eat something better than garbage food. I wonder has he eaten junk food and drank beer all day long? I gulp. _He has to eat something proper._

I wave at Snow. “What?” He takes his headphones off and frowns at me.

“I will put the wine in the fridge in the kitchen.” I show him the bottle. _And will try to cook you a decent dinner._

“Ok. Is the football over?” Snow looks at the TV suspiciously.

“No.” I stumble. “It's just… that my favorite team is losing anyway.” I hope it sounds right. Snow just sighs.

“I promise, it's almost over.” He says pointing to his laptop and I nod.

“That’s ok.” But _almost over_ lasts for about an hour, enough time to go through every corner of Snow’s kitchen to gather the minimal set of products for a basic veggie soup. When he appears in the kitchen an hour later the dinner is almost ready.

“No way.” Snow rubs his eyes. “What is this smell? Are you cooking?”

I freeze. Was it too much? Was it _pathetically_ too much? “Do you mind?” I ask staring on the stove, not daring to turn to face Snow, who probably is laughing at me right now anyway.

“Of course I don't.” He says with a tense voice. “It's just that I feel really shitty now.”

“You don't have to.” I take time pouring the soup into bowls and turn to push him one. “How was the game anyway?”

“My game or yours? Man, I am sorry I don't really follow football.” Snow says, stuffing his mouth with a food. “Oh my god, this is good! I can't believe that you even made the fucking mini toasts. And wait, have you mentioned some bottle of wine before?”

“It's not fucking mini toast. It's _croutons_. And yes, there is a bottle in a fridge.” I try not to mention that it's not _any_ bottle, more like a damn bottle of my precious Chablis.

“I drank some beer already, but since you are into wine we can drink your stuff as well.” He grabs a bottle and pours some wine right into the glass where his beer used to be. I internally twitch. More like _die_.

“Do you have clean glasses?” I say with a _very calm_ voice.

Snow chuckles. “Dude, why are you using the French accent voice suddenly? What's wrong?” He asks, taking a gulp of Chablis mixed with the remainder of his beer. _Argh._

“I don't have French accent. And give me that.” I grab Snow's glass and pour the ugly mixture into the sink. A moment later I put two clean glasses on the table, which are still _pint_ glasses. But whatever.

“Wait, is it some kind of an expensive wine?” Snow examines the label of the bottle suspiciously. “It's _French_.”

“Of course not.” I take the bottle away, pushing him a glass instead. “I asked about _your_ game before. How was it? Were your screaming on your teammates?”

“Ah, those bastards. I would leave this bunch of losers immediately, if only we didn't have a plan to rule the world together some day.” Snow finishes his wine very quickly and pours himself another. “I’ve never met them, but they are awful, really. That's why I scream at them all day long.”

I feel a sudden jealousy towards people I’ve never met, but who seem to have a huge part is Snow's life. How dare they have something that I want, but can never have, just like that, for free. Snow’s time, his voice, his attention, his presence every fucking day. While all I have are two pity dates, when we were not even close enough to enjoy our time together.

Is he enjoying being with me right now? Or is he just drunk? He seems to laugh from the clumsy jokes that I tell and keeps on sending me those more and more intense looks. That are hard to interpret any other way, and I have a weak feeling in the bottom of my stomach. As if it's all is going to happen and that I will fail it all pretty hard.

“How about some water?” I ask, trying to keep myself from panicking.

“ _Why?_ Wine is a better.” Snow winks at me, trying to pour himself something from the already empty bottle. “Shoot. We finished it.”

 _You_ finished it. I almost say it out loud, because I barely had one glass, and heaven knows it's not enough to make me relax and not thinking of things that might happen. Especially since Snow suddenly covers my hand with his.

“You look cute in glasses.” He says. _What_.

“They are not even on me.” I say dryly. Oh my god. How drunk is he?

Snow starts to laugh. “I know. I mean in general. You look cute in glasses in general. And your eyes are beautiful.” He is very drunk. He is _already_ confusing me with someone else.

“Are you hitting on me?” I ask suspiciously.

“Yes,” Snow nods with amusement. “Come on, I wanna show you something.” He pulls my hand, leading me to the living room. _Oh no_. That's no good. Room with a lying surface is never good.

With one move Snow kicks all the stuff off the couch to the floor and sits in the middle.

“Sit.”

“What was the thing that you wanted to show me?” I say still standing up.

“Something important.” Snow grins. “But you have to sit down first.”

 _Fuck_. One bottle of wine. That is how much it takes for Snow to get drunk enough to bear my physical presence around him. To want me to sit next to him. I look at the couch. Is it the same couch Snow had sex with his ex, the one that he is trying to forget so hard? Was it good? I bet it was better than anything that I can provide.

“Come on.” Snow gives me a smile, the one that as usual, gains its control over my best intentions.

 _Just do it._ How bad can you fuck up anyway? I sit near Snow, trying to breath evenly, trying not to look away.

“What do you want me to do?” I ask, looking straight into his eyes. (Because I can and will do _anything_ for you).

He freezes for a moment, giving me a surprisingly sober look, I almost feel that flicker going behind his eyes, and suddenly there is that gold thread, that connects us.

And then he pushes me down. A moment later I am lying on my back and Snow is looming over me. I meet his blue eyes and the world suddenly disappears. _What were you so afraid after all?_ He will kiss me. He will kiss me this time. I close my eyes. And wait.

But nothing happens.

Then there are Snow’s hands drunkenly trying to pull my shirt off. His hands trying to undone my belt. His laugh.

“Why are you so tense?” He breathes out to my ear and I can feel his wet mouth over my neck, which I can't even enjoy, because I can think about only one thing. _He wasn’t getting drunk just to make himself touch you._ _He was getting drunk to make himself kiss you. And he couldn’t. Again._

I freeze, while Snow pulls his hoodie off. That’s why I can’t see the insecurity in his eyes, the one that is tearing me apart in the same way. All I could see are his fingers trying to undone my shirt, drunkenly stumbling over each button. Why is he putting so much effort in making this happen? As if he needs it. As if he isn’t imagining someone else.

“Hey,” he says, rubbing his thumb over my chick. “What's wrong?”

I almost laugh. I know. He _knows_. That I am just a substitute. Worthless substitute, because apparently I can’t even move. I wanna touch him, I wanna put my hands through his hair, just to know finally how it feels like. But I can’t.

I clench my fists instead.

His mouth goes lower, making a wet trace down to my stomach.

And then he stops. “Are you at least a little bit into it?” He asks with a tense voice.

_Oh god, I am failing it, I am failing it hard._

“You are drunk.”

“So what?” He flushes. “I did it drunk before.”

I start to feel myself getting really angry. I so don't wanna know what Snow did before and how exactly drunk he was. And then my anger goes towards his ex. _What kind of awful relationship did they have?_ “I don’t want you drunk.” I say.

“It seems that you don’t want me either way.” He points his eyes lower towards my westline and I feel a hot wave of embarrassment going over me.

I say nothing, but he rolls off me anyway and suddenly there is all this distance between us. And silence. I know I ruined it, I ruined everything forever by being stupid fucking _me_. Five minutes pass and I almost think that he fell asleep, but then I hear his voice.

“Baz” He says. “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?”

I laugh. A sad laugh. “Look at me.” I say.

Snow goes up on his elbow and really gives me a look.

“What is there to see?” He frowns.

 _“Exactly._ ”

He says nothing, just sighs, suddenly putting his hands around me and pulling me closer.

“You are stupid.” He chuckles and I can feel his warm breath on the back of my neck. “Did I mess everything up?” He asks quietly and I feel how he pulls me tighter. “I should have guessed that you wanted me to stop.”

“I didn't.” (I never want him to stop.)

“I was about to show you my game and my WoW character, but then you stood there so cute, so shy and- I’m sorry. I won't ever do it again. Not without-” He stumbles. “Not without you being into it.”

“You can still show me your WoW character.” I say.

“Five minutes more.” He holds me a little bit longer, then he reaches for his laptop and we change our position to sitting side by side, while Snow explains to me how WoW works and what his favorite characters are. It's interesting to listen to him, but even better is to feel his shoulder slightly bumping over mine and his elbow touching mine time to time.

“Do you want to play a little bit more?” I ask. “That's ok.”

“No.” Snow says without hesitation. “I wanna hang out with you. It's your turn to tell me something about yourself. Like… What is your favorite football team?” And then. “How this sport even works? I don't get it.”

“Well,” I say, “Imagine quidditch, but it's on the ground and everyone is wearing shorts.”

Snow grins at me. “That's the best explanation of football ever.”

Soon he starts to yawn and puts his head on my shoulder. I freeze. Gradually his breath transforms into snoring and I carefully put him in a laying position. _Does he sleep on this couch each night?_ That’s just ridiculous. I turn the light off, then find a blanket tossed somewhere under the couch and put it upon Snow.

He opens his eyes. “Hey, come here.”

I freeze. I am almost halfway there to walking out of the door. Except that I don't wanna really leave.

“Why?” I ask stupidly.

“Because I want you to.” Snow says. I carefully sit on the edge of the couch.

“Have you had sex with your ex here?” I hear myself saying.

“Does it matter?”

“Was it good?”

“It was different.” And then. “He never asked me what I want.” And then. “But you did.”

He pulls me by the sleeve of my shirt slightly and I finally slide down under the blanket. Near him, near his warm body. He puts his hands back around me. It feels good, it feels warm. It feels like home. And for a brief moment I believe that I belong there.


	5. Falling in Love

**Simon**

I wake up just to find that Baz is gone. _Of course._ I even have this slightest suspicion, that he never was here at all. Except, that eventually I find a note from him on a kitchen table under the empty wine bottle. _“Sorry. Had to leave. See you at the office. Baz.”_ Damn note. Who even leaves notes nowadays, when you can _fucking message_.

I brush my teeth avoiding looking in the mirror, because I know what I will see. In the bright morning light it's no use denying what an ass I was. _Why can’t I just message him myself?_ I sigh. It’s not like messaging is exactly our thing. Nothing is _our_ thing. Except me getting drunk and spoiling everything.

Gosh, I even slept in yesterday’s clothes, moreover I made Baz sleep in _his_ . I mean, the man probably sleeps in some silk pajamas when he is alone. _No, don't think about Baz in silk pajamas, don't even go there._ Instead I think about us spending our first night together, without even a sheet on, under some old blanket, that Baz managed to find somehow. With me drunkenly trying to have sex with him, and of course, him pushing me away, because who would wanna have _that_. No, it was ok for Augustus to have drunk sex quickly with me time to time, it was ok _for me_ , but obviously Baz doesn't wanna deal with all the mess that I am.

I spent the rest of the morning going around in zombie mode, dwelling in my hangover and useless regrets. Until the plan forms in my head. Not a plan exactly, but at least something better than a stupid message that I am not able to compose anyway. Just a little thing to apologize to Baz and then to fuck off forever.

***

“What the fuck.” Penny whispers in my ear the next day at the office with excitement. “Look at Baz. He is wearing a t-shirt.” I look at him and almost say “ _Fuck_ ” myself. It’s not _any_ t-shirt. It _my_ t-shirt. The one I gave him at the concert. And he has glasses on. I almost choke on my coffee.

Of course, I bump into him first thing in the morning. I expect him to be ignoring me completely, but Baz sits at our table. And gives me a smile. I feel a slight shudder going through my body. A pleasant one. And before I can stop myself I smile back. That damn smile is all over me.

Thank God, Penny is not looking at me. She still stares at the t-shirt with a dreadful expression, probably counting in her mind how much she exactly owns me in cash now. “Hi Baz,” I say.

“Hi Simon,” Baz says and that one Penny notices. She stares at me with round eyes, definitely screaming at me internally something like “Oh my God, did Baz just call you by your first name or am I losing my mind?”

“Hi Penny,” Baz adds to make effect even more dramatic.

Since we are both dwelling in an astonished silence, Baz just grins at us. “Ok, see you at the meeting in five” he says, grabbing his cup and walking away.

“Oh! And Happy Birthday!” Penny screams at his back.

“What?! Is it Baz’s birthday today?” I hiss in surprize. _Oh no, I am not ready for that._

“Yes, don’t you read the corporate email even a little bit?” Penny rolls her eyes. “There will be a small party on our floor today. Also,” she lowers her voice “The rumor is that Baz is having some fancy party for HQ management as well.”

I just- How Penny could possibly know all those things?

“But anyway.” Penny’s voice is trembling with excitement. “What. Was. That. Have you seen Baz? Did someone pull a stick from his ass?” I shrug. But Penny doesn’t need my answer anyway.

“I bet he got laid. Finally.” She says. _No he didn’t!_ I almost scream. At least not with me. _I wish though._

“You owe me twenty by the way.” Penny says. “That is for a fucking t-shirt on him today.”

“No,” I say “ _you_ owe me.”

“We should really work better on our bet conditions next time.” She shakes her head. “Let’s say you owe me coffee and I owe you the coffee next day.”

The rest of the day goes as usual, except that I keep staring at the bottle of wine, that I bought for Baz. The bottle is the same one that I drank so carelessly yesterday. God, it was expensive. No wonder that Baz didn’t let me to drink it from a beer glass. I smile at the memory, because recently every memory of our time together makes me smile.

But then I frown. Suddenly the bottle of wine doesn’t seem like such a great present as I hoped it would be. Especially, considering that I still haven’t worked out the courage to actually give it to him. And considering that it is his damn birthday, which I didn’t even have a clue about.

In the evening I try to sneak past the kitchen where Baz’s party is held. I am so not ready to socialize with the whole office having Baz somewhere close. Because I will snap. Hug him or just smile at him all evening long, just the way I did this morning. And then everything will become awkward and I don't even know if Baz wants to see me, not whilst he is around other people.

Apparently, I am bad at sneaking past, because Annoying Darrel catches my hand and pulls me in. As like most annoying people, he is even more annoying when he is drunk.

“Look whom I brought here!” He shouts for the whole kitchen to hear and raises his glass. “Let's drink for Simon!” A bottle of beer appears in my hands and everyone starts to shout my name. But all I can see is Baz, as the smile spreads over his face when he sees me. _Oh God, is really happy about the fact that I am here or is it just my imagination?_

Somehow I realize that Darrel pulls me by the hand towards Baz. Not that I don't wanna go that direction, but definitely not with Annoying Darrel by my side.

“So, you guys are both gay, right?” He says carelessly and I look at him with hatred. _Stop being so annoying, for Christ sake._

“And as I heard Simon is not dating anyone right now.” He winks at Baz. Baz flushes. _No it cannot be happening. No way is he trying to set me up with Baz._ “Are you dating someone, Baz?” He continues happily and I search room for Penny with panic. Only she knows how to deal with annoying Darrel. _Please save me._ I signal her with my eyes.

Penny shrugs helplessly, pointing with a bottle to a guy standing in front of her. _I can't right now. I am stuck here myself._

“I think you two might be perfect together.” Darrel continues to my horror. It looks like this idea just has popped up in his head and he is fond of it very much. It's good that Baz can keep his calm. He just grins at Darrel slightly, while my cheeks seem to burn red. And then it happens. One of my worst nightmares comes true.

Darrel pulls out his phone. “Wait a minute, we can actually check it out right now.” I frown. I am still clueless. My life is still safe. “It's hilarious. On one of our last parties Simon got drunk and made a list of all qualities his perfect boyfriend should have.” He winks at me. _Oh no._

Baz raises his eyebrow.

“Darrel stop-” I try. I couldn’t even imagine that he would go there.

“Relax, it will be fun.” Darrel looks through files on his phone.

“First of all, it was two _years ago_.” I say trying to defend myself. “And I don't even remember what was in that stupid list.”

“More reasons to go check it out.” Darrel chuckles as it is really funny in some of million alternative universes. And from that moment on I officially rename him from Annoying Darrel to Darrel The Horrible.

“Wait. Here it is. So good that we posted it online.” _Fuck._

“Darrel, shut up.”

“Why?” Baz says suddenly in a very neutral voice. “Let's hear it out.”

“Don't- _please_.” I look at Baz trying to send him a sign that it's a terrible idea.

“So, according to this list Simon's boyfriend must be…” Darrel makes a dramatic pause and then starts to read.

“In a band.” I see how Baz tenses.

“Be tall.” Darrel continues. “…You are tall, right?” He winks at Baz, while Baz just stands there with unreadable expression. But he doesn't look at me. _He doesn't look at me anymore._

“Must be into manga and anime; Are you into anime, Baz?”

“Not, really.”

“Has blond hair-” Finally even Horrible Darrel realizes that something is wrong. He clears his throat. Then laughs awkwardly. Baz expression is blank. Empty.

I send Penny one last intense signal for help, that reads more like “ _I am dead, there is no need to save me anymore.”_ Indeed, I probably do look like I am dead already. She quickly pushes herself through the crowd towards me, while Darrels says “Sorry, guys. It's seems like you weren't meant to be together. But anyway, you are from the same team so it's probably for the best idea. Let's all just be friends, right?”

I almost grab Darrel by the collar of his stupid preppy shirt, but Penny is here in time to pull me away.

“Sorry guys, important work business.” She throws over her shoulder.

“What are you doing?” I hiss at her, while we end up at the balcony.

“I thought you wanted me to help you get away from Baz.”

“No! I didn't wanna get away from _Baz_!”

“Since when don't you wanna get away from Baz?” Penny frowns.

“Since-” I feel how my heart beats. _Since we spent all this time together. Since I started to care for him. Since I don't wanna get him hurt. Ever._

I shake my head. “Let's just get back. I need to kill Darrel and to talk to Baz and make him believe that-” I make myself stop, but Penny is already looking at me suspiciously.

“Continue. You need to make Baz believe _what_?”

“That if I was to make a perfect boyfriend list today, it would be all about him.” I blurt out quickly the only truth that I know.

Penny’s eyes widens. “Wait. What perfect boyfriend list?” Penny looks like she is going through complicated algorithm in her head and it suddenly starts to make sense. A slow realization hits her face.

“Are you the one fucking Baz?”

“No!” I close my eyes furiously. “I am not fucking him. Yet.” I stumble. “ _Ever_. It's complicated, alright? He doesn't want me around and now this fucking Darrel pulled out that boyfriend list, and-”

Penny starts to laugh. “That list! It was hilarious. You were so drunk back then. And so obviously describing Augustus. I still can't believe you let him post this it online though.”

“It's not hilarious. it's stupid. And Baz looked hurt. And-” I sigh. “I really don't know what to _do_.”

“Oh, shit. You are not only fucking him. You actually like him, right?”

I look under my feet. Sigh. And after a pause finally say. “Right.” When I carefully look up, there is a smile on Penny’s face. A mild one. A proud one.

“Right.” She nods. “You have to fix it then.”

She pulls me back into the kitchen and we scan the room together looking for Baz. But the place where he used to stand near Darrel is empty and there is only a half empty bottle of beer left on the table.

“He is gone.” I say with a dead voice. “ _It’s over._ ”

“He probably just went to his HQ party.” Penny shakes my shoulders. “Stop it! You just put too much drama into his action.”

It's really no time to explain that I never put too much drama into anything. _Ever_. She really should have known me better.

“Look.” I shake my head. “I need to see him. _Now_.”

***

It's a miracle that Penny knew the address to Baz's apartment. And she told me it, only for tiny small promise to share _every_ detail with her later. Like there is anything to share in our so-called relationship, except that I am a jerk and he probably hates me right now anyway.

“Snow?” Baz stares at me with surprise and I notice that he changed already to his usual white shirt and jacket. “What are you doing here?”

“I-” I swallow awkwardly, pulling a bottle of wine from behind my back. “Happy birthday!”

It's nice to see him smiling shockingly, but smiling nevertheless. “You really didn't have to.”

“I am sorry about last time. I know I was an ass-”

“Hey, Baz who is that?” Some guy in the suit appears behind his back. _Suit_ . _What the fuck. Ok, this must be a fun party._

“It’s Simon Snow. One of engineers from my team.” Baz says in a steady voice like it's some kind of an interview and he is reading my CV out loud.

“Simon, this is Davy. The head of our Web Development Department. You probably heard about him, because he-”

“No I haven't.” I don't really care who the guy is as long as he holds his hand on Baz’s shoulder. _Fuck you and take your hands away._

“Please come in.” Baz says quickly and I follow him and the other guy inside.

Baz’s apartment is large. And tidy. Almost as tidy as I imagined it, except for all the people inside. People, wearing suits and drinking wine and eating cheese or some other fancy food of a finger size.

“This is Simon Snow, one of the engineers from Baz’s team.” Davy introduces me out loud and pushes me forward. I take a helpless look around, trying to find Baz, but he is already standing in a far away corner, joking around with some of his friends. _This people must be his friends, right?_ I stiff inside.

“Relax.” Davy says and pushes a glass of wine into my hand. Well, at least, I know what to do with this one. I sneak to the sofa and sit there eyeing Baz from the distance.

He looks right, among all these fancy and successful people. He looks like one of them. And it kills me. I almost wanna drag him aside and shout to everyone that he is mine, not theirs. But obviously I have no right to do that.

_Because he is not mine. I never did anything to deserve him._

Finally Baz turns my way, but there is no smile on his face. He checks the glass in my hand and frowns, his look basically saying “don't fuck this up for me.” I cheer him with a wicked smile and finish my drink in few big gulps, just to spite him.

The next glass goes almost as quickly as previously, but it doesn't help me to relax anyway. The further the evening goes, the more I feel out of place, the more clear it seems that I should leave Baz alone and let him enjoy his perfect party and his perfect friends. All of his perfect successful life, where I obviously don't belong and never will.

Who I was kidding hoping that I could ever be his boyfriend. I am not one of _them_. And Baz should stick with his own kind. He belongs with one of these guys, wearing expensive suits and drinking equally expensive wine. Laughing and exchanging plans about their well planned future. Because well, he deserves this.

He deserves someone who is able to take care of himself and Baz as well. Who can bring Baz up and not drag him down.

Well, and as for me, I guess it's time to take the only responsible decision in my life that I am capable of and to finally fuck off.

I stand up trying to sneak out of the room drawing as little attention as possible, at the same time as Davy begins his speech about some corporate crap, and Baz looks at him with such attention, as if he was speaking about something worthy and not stupid things like high corporate standards and motivation and teamwork. Something so boring that I can't even make myself follow. But Baz obviously does. He listens and then when the speech is over he takes few steps towards Davy, giving him a handshake. And that's the last thing I see before leaving the room.

I stroll out, feeling a weight pulling me down. A dumb painful feeling tearing my heart apart. This very moment I need something stronger than a fancy red wine, something to numb my feelings away. I make a quick turn to the kitchen, hoping to find something, _anything_.

“Looking for this?” A voice says behind my back and I turn startled, just to discover a beautiful girl sitting on the floor holding a bottle of whiskey.

“Whiskey and coke?” She suggests and stands up, passing me the bottle.

“More like whiskey itself.” I mumble under my nose, carefully looking at her.

“Mordelia, Baz’s sister.” She introduces herself and gives me a hand to shake. “You couldn't stand that party as well?”

“Simon Snow.” I say back. “Exactly. Those people are killing me.”

I mix us the drinks, feeling Mordelia’s look all over me. “You don't look like one of Baz’s friends.”

“One of my assistants forgot to pick up my suit from the dry cleaning today.” I wink at her, passing her drink. She chuckles slightly.

“You don't wear a suit, you are funny and, well, _nice_. What are you doing at this party?”

That is a good question. What am I doing here exactly? “Just came around to give your brother a present.” I say finally.

“Why would you-” She starts and then her eyes widens for a brief moment of realization.

“Are you the Baz’s new boyfriend?” She almost whispers. Fuck. _How on earth does everyone keep on guessing that?_

I slide down on the floor and take few big gulps. It's good that I made this damn cocktail _strong_.

“You are, aren't you?” Mordelia slides on a floor near me and gives my knee a slight bump with hers.

“Did he tell you about me?” I ask carefully. The alcohol finally kicks in and I feel how the room starts to spin a little bit, not spin even, more like slowly swing from one direction to another.

“Kind of. Almost. We don't really talk that much.” She says with a sigh. I take a few gulps more.

“We don't really talk that much either.”

“Is Basil giving you a hard time? I know he could be difficult and stubborn.”

“Wait, _Basil_ ?” I chuckle. A very embarrassing sound. “And no, he is pretty much perfect.” And as I say it I catch myself really thinking that way. _Perfect_. With his stiffness, shyness and and occasional courage. With that silver eyes and uncertain moves. “And _hot_.” I add, god knows why. And take one more gulp to hide my embarrassment.

Mordelia snorts, spilling her drink a little bit. “It's Basilton, actually. And omg you are so into him.” I raise my eyebrow still drifting on realization that I know Baz’s full name now.

Suddenly Mordelia looks at me with a serious expression. “Simon, he is not perfect, _you_ are perfect. I mean, you are perfect _for him_.”

I shake my head. “One of the guys on that party is perfect for him. And I am just his pathetic drunk soon-not-to-be-boyfriend sitting on the kitchen floor drinking with his sister.” I reach for the bottle pouring a little bit more in my glass and in Mordelia’s.

“Don’t you get it? That is exactly why he picked _you_.” Mordelia smiles at me triumphantly, as if she has just won the war. “You are nothing like those guys and I bet Baz will soon come over looking for you.”

“He won't. He is too busy being all over that Davy guy.”

“What Davy guy?” Mordelia starts but she is interrupted but the footsteps approaching in our direction.

“Snow, where the hell are you?” Baz appears in the doorframe and Mordelia snorts behind my shoulder.

“I told you.”

“I knew I shouldn't have left you two alone.” Baz frowns looking at the half empty bottle of whiskey standing between us.

“Yes, you shouldn't have left me alone with your new hot boyfriend.” Mordelia bumps her  shoulder into mine, giving Baz a teasing look. _Boyfriend._ The word pounds in my head second after second as I wait for Baz to deny that. To deny that this drunk guy sitting on the floor with his sister has anything to do with him. _Just deny it, come on._

“Oh God, I will tell Mum _everything_.” Baz frowns at Mordelia, but she just starts to laugh in response. “Snow, let's go.” He says to me with his producer voice, pulling my hand, but first of all, I can't exactly stand up at the moment and also, it's easier to pull my hand away, when I remember why I have left in a first place.

“Why? Don't you have enough company?”

“What do you mean?” Baz narrows his eyes.

A hot wave of jealousy goes over me and before I can control myself, words go from my mouth. “I mean this mister Head of Web Department. All those people, that you seems to be friends with. All this party. Is it even real? I knew you were desperate for the promotion, but I didn't think that you were _that desperate._ ” The flash of hurt goes behind Baz eyes and even my drunken mind backs up after that.

“Sorry, I didn't mean it that way.” I say quickly. “It's your life, you should live it the way you want. As long as it makes you happy. I am nobody to judge anyway.” I feel myself starting mumbling, while looking down.

Mordelia snorts behind my shoulder again. “Oh my god, you are jealous and so adorable. Baz, look how adorable your boyfriend is.”

“I really should be going.” I say this time trying to stand up myself, grabbing over the counter behind my back, but still failing to keep a balance.

“Balcony, _now_.” Baz pulls me by my elbow leading me outside on his beautiful terrace under the night sky. _Shit, his apartment is gorgeous._ And I hate every corner of it, because for me it's just one of many things that keeps us apart.

“This view.” I say helplessly leaning over the wall, feeling the word spinning a little bit less as a fresh air hits my lungs. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

Baz picks up a pack of smokes from the windowsill, pulling one out carefully looking at it from different sides. Eventually, he lights it and takes a blow. Shit, he is so hot standing in his suit, smoking and looking away from where the night sky supposedly meets the ground.

I frown. “Since when did you smoke?”

He grins, but in a sad way. “Why? Is smoking not a part of your perfect boyfriend list?”

“About that list-” I start, but Baz interrupts me with a move of his hand.

“Doesn't need to be explained, really. I am not stupid. I know that I am not exactly what you are looking for.” _But you are,_ I think quickly before catching myself and examining Baz's face, which seems grey and tired under the half shadow of a moonlight.

“Why did you leave that morning?” I hear myself asking.

“I didn't think you wanted to wake up and find me next to you.” The red dot of cigarette fire lights Baz's face as he takes a drag.

“Put it away.” I say taking a step closer, sliding my hand down his sleeve till my fingers touches his grip. I carefully unclench his fingers, pulling the cigarette away, trying to read in his eyes, is he aware of every moment that our skin touches, just the way that I am. “ _Please_.”

I swing a little bit forward, grabbing his shoulder for balance, ending up almost hanging on him, my face deep in his neck. Gosh, he smells of smoke and his perfume, and why do I always ending up touching him, when he is not into it. I don't want it to end up like last time when I got him all scared and tensed up. I don't want him _hurt_.

“I should get going.” I mumble somewhere over his shoulder.

Baz tenses. “You are not going anywhere in that condition. Do you have someone to pick you up?”

“Just don't call Penny. She would be so mad at me-”

“Penelope. Exactly.” Baz continues to hold me, trying to fetch his phone with one hand. “Just hold on for a moment.” He places me on a chair. “I will go check on Mordelia and call Penelope.”

I bury my face in my hands and probably pass out for a little bit, because the next thing I remember is someone talking near me in a low voice.

“Look at this guy, passing out just like that. Who is he anyway? Is he Baz’s friend?”

A giggle. “Don't be ridiculous Baz doesn't have _any_ friends. He is too boring for that. It's just a guy from his team.”

I feel a cold sting inside of me. _They_ are supposed to be Baz’s friends. He made a party for _them_ after all. How dare they be talking about him that way. He has friends. _He has me_. I lift my head to inform these two annoying guys about that, just to see them leaving already. I feel this sudden need to protect Baz against people like that. But how could I protect him, if I wanted to leave, if I wanted to fuck of once and for all?

“It's all settled down.” A few minutes later Baz appears, passing me a glass of water. “Penelope is on her way here to pick you up.”

I sigh dreadfully. “Why in earth had you arranged that. She would _kill me_.”

“Why will Penelope kill you, for Christ sake? You are best buddies.” Baz sounds annoyed.

“Because.” I say stubbornly. “I promised her to fixed everything.”

“Fix what? Was all these her idea? Did she make you come here?”

 _Idiot_. “No! I just wanted to make things right. With you. After the boyfriend list. After _everything_.”

“I told you already I don't care about that-”

“Will you go out with me again?” I blurt out, watching how Baz’s eyes widens a little bit.

“Snow, how drunk you exactly are?”

“You called me Simon _before_.”

“There is no point for us going out again. And no, I did not.”

“Why there is no point?” I ask stupidly trying to catch his eyes again.

“Because. You said it yourself, _Simon_. I am not what you are looking for.”

I feel my head spinning. “I didn't say that. _You_ said that. Shit, I mean-” I suddenly remember the water in my hands and take a large gulp. “Just let's go out, please. Or I will never leave this party. And will embarrass you forever.”

“You never embarrass me.” Baz says softly, but then shrugs that softness away with irritation. “Oh, fine. Whatever. Just drink the water, Snow.”

I give him a triumphant glare, but Baz isn't even looking at me. A few minutes pass one after another, while I finish my drink.

“There you are.” Penny appears on the terrace with Micah looming somewhere behind her back. “Gosh, Simon.”

“Oh, man.” Micah adds.

Penny turns to Baz. “Happy birthday once again, and sorry for Simon.”

“That's ok.” Baz says in a tired voice avoiding looking at me. “He was no trouble at all.”

“I bet he was.” Penny pulls me by the hand towards exit. “Idiot.” She hisses at me. And then. “We should probably get going.”

“Wait! Baz,” I say turning around. “You promised me, right? _Right?_ ”

“Right.”

“It will be fun, I promise. Not like last time. It would be _different_.” I mumble helplessly, obviously forgetting that there are people around us.

Baz just frowns and makes a gesture for Penny to take me out.

“Come on, Simon.” She gently pulls me away, putting my hand around her neck. “That’s enough, believe me.” I make one last desperate attempt to look at Baz before stepping out, but all I can see is his tensed back against the cold night sky.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Million scones for Apieceofpaper for being my beta. And to A_Minyard for kindly helping me out. You guys are the best!
> 
> And here is my [Tumblr](https://snowbazcomeoneileen.tumblr.com/) and [Twitter](https://twitter.com/ana2rama) just in case you like SnowBaz and wanna say hi :3  
> 


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